Raikiri not Chidori
by Colt401
Summary: Naruto asks a simple question and Kakashi gives a simple answer. But the truth is much more complicated. Warnings inside.


**I'm here and I bring angst lol. This is set after Sasuke leaves the village, but before Naruto leaves with Jiraiya to train.**

 **Warnings: a little bit of gore and some mentions of canonical character deaths. Also a mention of anxiety attacks.**

 **I don't own Naruto!**

 **Read and review!**

* * *

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei!"

"Hmm?" the jonin asks, looking up from his Icha Icha.

"How come you and Sasuke call Chidori different things? He calls it that, but you call it Raikiri."

Kakashi tenses as he struggles to calm himself. Blood flashes into his vision, images of friends and teachers long gone, but not forgotten.

Never forgotten. Not with this curse of a Sharingan.

He immediately feels awful for thinking about Obito's eye like that.

Mentally, he counts down from ten. It's an old trick that he's picked up over the years, after one too many anxiety attacks.

He feels calm again, but that doesn't stop the memories threatening to overcome him.

He sees Minato-sensei, chiding him about using Chidori. An imperfect jutsu; one likely to get him killed. Perhaps it would have been better that way, Kakashi muses. That way, he would never have had to know what it was like to hold a heart or feel flesh tear and give way for his lightning infused hand. He's learned to deal with it, but he still remembers those days of hand-washing much clearer than he'd like.

He sees Obito. Naïve Obito who's looking up at the faces of the Hokage and boldly claiming to be the next. Poor Obito who's known war at an age far too young and finally realising the reality that they live in. Bloodstained Obito lying underneath a bolder that's _crushed_ his right side, gazing up at him with trust and a final plea on his lips. Kakashi hears his own voice echoing back a promise.

A promise that he fails to keep.

Finally, he sees Rin. Poor Rin who jumped into his Chidori, effectively using him as a method of suicide. He remembers her voice, stuttering out his name one last time. Kakashi has always thought that it was a waste of final words.

He sighs, closes his eyes, and tips his head back, thinking about how to answer Naruto's question.

He could answer it clinically: that the two are different jutsus. Raikiri is more focused and concentrated than Chidori. It's an easy answer and completely true.

But Kakashi knows. He knows that the real reason he's taken to calling and using his jutsu Raikiri is not because of its more concentrated state. Both jutsus are powerful and more than capable of getting the job done. No, it's not because of that.

It's because Chidori is used to murder. Raikiri is used to protect.

Chidori, which failed to save Obito, killed Rin and many more is his darkness but Raikiri, which saved Gai, Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, and his village is his pride. It's his redemption and absolution.

Kakashi would've liked to teach Sasuke Raikiri instead or Chidori, but the genin lacked the chakra control necessary. So instead, he'd taught him Chidori because it was likely the only thing that would've kept him alive during his fight against Gaara.

And it did. It did, and Kakashi had thought that maybe, _just maybe¸_ Chidori could finally be used for something good.

Sasuke left the village soon after and Kakashi spent a day in his apartment, cursing himself.

He vowed never again. He wouldn't teach anybody that accursed jutsu ever again.

When the memories fade and he opens his eye again, Naruto is looking at him strangely. Sakura is subtler about it, but he can see the concern in her eyes just as clearly. He feels guilty to have worried them even the slightest so he smiles, fake and falling apart at the seams. Of course, his mask hides all traces of that.

"Well you see, Naruto. Raikiri is a more concentrated…"

His voice sounds fake even to his own ears. But that's ok. His students don't need to know about their sensei's failures, nor does he want to burden them with them. They know a more innocent version of Chidori: tainted by Orochimaru by now, but still free of blood. He'd like to keep it that way.

Naruto accepts his cop-out answer easily and even Sakura nods in understanding.

* * *

It isn't long before Jiraiya comes to take Naruto away on a training trip. Sakura had told him earlier that she would be studying under Tsunade in order to become a medical ninja. Kakashi can't be prouder of the two.

The two wave goodbye brightly and Kakashi raises a hand in turn. His kids aren't tainted by the pain and hardship of war. They've never known what it was like to need to kill, not just for survival, but also for their home. Not like Kakashi has. But he'd like to think that's he's at least a bit happier thanks to Naruto and Sakura.

He knows in his heart of hearts that it's barely true, but he'll continue to delude himself. Let himself think that he's a good person for their sake. Let himself think that Obito, Rin, and Minato-sensei are smiling down from somewhere because he's finally, _finally_ learned what it means to be a shinobi for a price too heavy to pay, but paid anyway. He'll let himself think that he's helping his village and the future by killing with this murderous jutsu.

He forms the hand signs and holds his hand out in front of him. The chakra manifests for him, sparking and crackling. Kakashi stares into his palm.

"Raikiri," he whispers.

* * *

 **Hmm I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Feedback would be great :) Thanks for reading!**


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